A few weeks ago, maybe months ago, I posted a poll on Twitter about whether anyone would be interested in hearing the musings of a young man who identifies as bisexual. In all honesty, I sorta did that as away to force me to write about this, to write about something I purposely find difficult. I wanted to challenge myself because I’m supposed to be a writer and I think falling into comfort zones as a content creator of any kind is a major misstep.
Anyway, what came out of this was a bit of a spiel with no structure, no end, no coherent theme, because it’s more of just a string of thoughts and feelings connected together here rather than a distinct ‘article’ of kinds.
Despite being 22 and happily myself, I still feel some doubt, I still feel some fear, I still feel some shame at times. And that is completely fucking not ok.
I don’t always like to discuss my sexuality, I’ve never really been a relationship person, so it doesn’t really come into play that much, but I just don’t enjoy the conversations that often follow the dreaded ‘bisexual reveal’. There’s a slew of questions, so fucking many that I just can’t be arsed answering or are way too personal. I don’t like letting people know too much, or showing much emotion. These are both big ass flaws I’m trying to work on.
Going back a few years, I was at a friend’s 18th party I think. I mentioned that I was bisexual to said friend, someone else overheard and started to tell me her opinion on my sexuality. I didn’t know this girl’s name then and still don’t now, I took no interest in her at all as she, who had met me five minutes ago, thought her input on something so personal was important. It wasn’t.
However, I love that sense of closeness to the person I feel later on. If someone knows clearly where I stand, a sense of who I am, I love that. I love to have that personal connection, but I hate having the moment. Meaning that most of the time I just make it pretty clear without explicitly stating ‘Hi, I’m David, I identify as bisexual and we can now move on with our lives’.
One thing that is so annoying is that in general, society looks at bisexuals and immediately thinks that you’re gay or straight. However I’ve gotta admit, it is kinda fun too. Mentioning that a man, let’s say Jon Hamm, is extremely fit, and then mentioning that someone else, let’s say Blake Lively, is just as attractive to you, often gets people confused. It’s 2018 and I wanna make out with both of them, deal with it.
However I do possess a constant fear and worry that anyone in any relationship, friendship, workplace, whatever, will not accept my sexuality. But then again, those people aren’t worthy if they’re bigoted. Of course some people just need some gentle education as not everyone has grown up in the late nineties and early noughties. Not everyone comes from a home that allows you free reign over television and the internet to encounter LGBT representation, however ridiculously limited it is because society
The above does leave me not feeling comfortable enough to announce it to people at times. I had a coworker ask if I were gay after we discussed some hotties (as always) and I just couldn’t be arsed explaining, it’s effort. It was the response of ‘no’, which feels like a lie even though it’s not at all,I’m not gay after all. But I left the implication that I was straight, which too is a lie. Whatever though, I was leaving that place in about a week and just couldn’t be bothered with that discussion. However, I did leave feeling slightly defeated, I wanted to be the person that just reply ‘No, I’m bisexual’ and answered any questions with confidence and joy. Instead it felt like a chore, and I just wanted to leave and drink some mulled wine.
In myself, I’m happy and comfortable, it’s the crushing fear and weight of the world that weighs on me at times. It’s mainly the fear that I’ll fall for a straight dude, or fall in love with the perfect straight girl and she won’t be cool with me being me.
I see sexuality as a wonderful spectrum, it’s not binary. Gender is the same, it’s a scale where you can fit anywhere you identify. I often find myself at a 50/50 between being attracted to men and women, sometimes I find myself sliding up one end of that scale, other times if I’m attracted to one certain person, I’ll be way over on one end than the other. Sexuality is completely fluid, it’s not this thing that just sticks forever in a certain, decided manner. Our tastes change, our views change, our bodies change, everything on this fucking dead rock of a planet changes, so why wouldn’t your sexuality? It’s just really fucking annoying that the default setting on this planet is straight.
How many years of frustration would be saved, how many countless lives would still be here if that weren’t the case? Too many have died just for being themselves, too many have suffered. Too many still suffer and too many will still die for it.
Whilst your sexuality is not your choice in the slightest, man the amount of times I used to fucking WISH that I were just straight to make everything so much simple.
This essay, word spiel, whatever isn’t coming to any conclusion. There isn’t really one to make apart from just making thoughts and feelings public in the hope that people find it interesting, relatable, or educational. It’s a continuing story so we’ll see where we end up.